The School of the Spirit

I am not a person who holds anger. I do not feel resentments for long. I don't have a problem forgiving others. It's just never been something that I have had to struggle with.

I have been walking through foreign territory lately, and for a while I couldn't figure out why, but I think now I understand.

As I have been reading and working through the Unbound Ministry course, I have been finding so many areas in my own life that the Holy Spirit wants to heal, and that He desires to help me to understand. 

At first, a couple of weeks ago, while trying to navigate some issues with friends, I found myself becoming really angry at the person that was instigating the problems. Really angry. 

I had an ugly exchange with a legislator that left me fuming and unsettled. I couldn't stop thinking about it. 

Then I had a talk with a family member and we started talking about a situation that was very painful for that person, and myself, and I was once again really angry. The old wounds opened up and I felt the pain and resentment like it was yesterday. 

My son was in an accident, and I was angry at the man who hit him, at the police who wouldn't come and help, and at myself for putting my son into the situation in the first place. 

I have been more impatient and uncharitable with people; much more easily exasperated.

I have been hashing things over, talking about them, being defensive.

All of this is happening within the few weeks that I have started to work through the Unbound course.  I thought that it must be the devil. He must not want me to learn how to help people find the way out of bondage to him and into a new life with Christ. I figure he was trying to rattle me.

This morning I have a new perspective. I think that I am being given an opportunity to experience the feelings of anger that I don't usually struggle with, so that I can better understand what others have to pull out of their hearts. I think that the Holy Spirit wants me to walk through this with a desire to learn how to let Him draw out the poison and fill the wound with His presence.

At Mass this morning I was given so much insight and consolation!! Father called down annointing on those that carry anger and resentments and called us to let them go and to be freed by the Holy Spirit. And I did, and I was. 

What a gift!!

I have not enjoyed feeling angry. It is very unsettling and disturbing, but I think it was necessary. 

I want to take these lessons and not only help people see the joy of letting go and forgiving, but also what is possible for thier relationships, and futures. 

Butterflies

Remember that first love?
That thrill when you saw him coming down the hall at school?
The butterflies when she smiled over at you in class?

Those new and amazing feelings!
That awareness that there is another person in the world that my heart desires.
That burning realization that no one else will do.

There is no desire like that. It is intoxicating.

It is new wine. It changes us.

It is the Bridegroom's love for His bride.

He will never stop seeking you. You are His beloved.
He desires you more than you can possibly imagine.

Think about that.

You give God butterflies....

Excuses, Excuses

I have learned A LOT over the past three years.
I have learned, prayed, been filled, expanded, healed, and I have encountered Christ in ways that I couldn't have imagined.
He has sent me to courses, He has met me in Adoration, seminars, and at daily Mass.
My time is filled with good things, and I am seeing the old, fearful and unhappy parts of me being healed.
He calls me to become an active disciple, but I keep waiting for that time when I feel that I have enough tools in my bag. I want more training, more education, more signs. I think that all of those things are necessary, of course, but I wonder if in some ways I am hiding behind the preparation.
I wonder if I am keeping the Light under the bed, because I am afraid.
Paul says, "When I came to you, brothers and sisters, proclaiming the mystery of God, I did not come with sublimity of words or wisdom."
Jesus says "Your light must shine before others." He promised that He would give us the words that we should say.  If I don't open my mouth, the words will not come out. He can inspire my heart but if I do not have a willing tongue, how will He speak to the person in front of me?
The lie of "respect for others' beliefs" has permeated the culture. Of course I don't want to trample all over the feelings of other people, and of course I need to be gentle and only bear Christ's love to them, but if I really love them, I also need to get out of His way so that He can work through me.
I think I have an open heart, and a willing spirit, but I also have too careful a tongue.

It may not be speech that He is asking for, but to just be with people, so that they can see Him.
It could be that He just wants me to get out there, but I also have to be careful that I don't hide behind "activity". I have done that before. I have fallen for the lie that if I am doing all kinds of "good" things then I am doing enough.
Well, if I am not doing those good things in the name of Jesus and giving Him the glory, then I am just doing things. He is the author of Good. He is the one that all the good comes from and I have to be sure that I am giving Him all the Glory and praise that He is due. That is how others will see where the good, the joy and the Truth come from.

I used to think that my path should be education. That I should teach. I used to think that I needed to go down the road of formal education in order to be "credible".
I have long been on a path that has led to many kinds of understanding, but what I see now is that understanding is not going to come from anything that I know. All the books and courses and seminars are good, but they are not going to provide me with more understanding and wisdom, they are simply giving me structures. Those structures are good and necessary, but they are not the source.
He is the source, and He will equip me. What I need is more of Him. More of His Grace, more of His love, more of His truth in my heart.
I feel a sense of urgency. It makes me a bit nervous, but it is also exciting.
What did the 72 disciples feel as they went out onto the road? Did they feel fully prepared for the mission? Jesus sent them, and they went. They learned on the job. They were given the Grace to do what He needed them to do.

Jesus, give me the Grace that is sufficient for this day. Let me be a Light and help me always to remember that I CAN do all things in You, for You DO strengthen me.

The Devil's In The Distractions

Today in the Gospel we read about King Herod's undoing:

Herod was the one who had John arrested and bound in prison
on account of Herodias,
the wife of his brother Philip, whom he had married.
John had said to Herod,
“It is not lawful for you to have your brother’s wife.”
Herodias harbored a grudge against him
and wanted to kill him but was unable to do so.
Herod feared John, knowing him to be a righteous and holy man,
and kept him in custody.
When he heard him speak he was very much perplexed,
yet he liked to listen to him.
Herodias had an opportunity one day when Herod, on his birthday,
gave a banquet for his courtiers, his military officers,
and the leading men of Galilee.
His own daughter came in and performed a dance
that delighted Herod and his guests.
The king said to the girl,
“Ask of me whatever you wish and I will grant it to you.”
He even swore many things to her,
“I will grant you whatever you ask of me,
even to half of my kingdom.”
She went out and said to her mother,
“What shall I ask for?”
Her mother replied, “The head of John the Baptist.”
The girl hurried back to the king’s presence and made her request,
“I want you to give me at once on a platter
the head of John the Baptist.”
The king was deeply distressed,
but because of his oaths and the guests
he did not wish to break his word to her.
So he promptly dispatched an executioner
with orders to bring back his head.
He went off and beheaded him in the prison.
He brought in the head on a platter
and gave it to the girl.
The girl in turn gave it to her mother.
When his disciples heard about it,
they came and took his body and laid it in a tomb. ~Mark 6:14-29

Imagine Herod going to listen to John, taking time to listen to him speak. Within the walls of the prison, he might have sat in the quiet, and John would pray and the Holy Spirit would speak through him. In the relative quiet of the dungeon it would be easy for Herod to listen and maybe even grapple with the things that were being revealed. Silence is a great revealer. In the silence we are able to stop, breathe, and wait for what the Lord wants to tell us. But what if the Lord tells us something that we don't want, or aren't ready to hear? What if He speaks words to our hearts that convict us that change is needed? Change is how we become more and more grafted on to Christ, but change also means that we have to look at things that we have embraced for our lives, things that we have to let go of and cut off in order to live in His Grace. 

Herod probably heard this as he sat and listened to John in the quiet. Maybe he even thought in those times that he desired to be free of all the things that were destroying his peace. Maybe in those times, talking with John, he would agree that he was living a sinful and deadly life, and that he was going to change. Yes, by Heaven, he was going to confront his sin head on, he was going to send Herodias back to his brother, he was going to put a stop to the debauchery and wickedness of the social scene at the palace! Yes! I am going upstairs right now and get started! 

Don't we do this? 
We are praying, and Jesus reveals a place in our hearts that needs disinfecting, so we sit there and we agree with Him and we commit ourselves to conversion. We look at it and it seems so obvious that we need to send it packing. 
But just like Herod we leave that quiet place where the Lord has our attention and we go back to the distractions of our lives. 
He may have gone up to confront Herodias, who knows? But...well there was the birthday party that she had planned, and he didn't want to throw a wrench into that. A lot of important people would be coming. And there were the political people to deal with, and the Jewish leaders, and then he just forgot. 
There are so many times that I sit in Adoration and Jesus shows me something that He desires for me, or for someone that I love. He shows me how much better life can be. He offers me peace and Grace in that quiet place, and I embrace it! Oh, how I want that! I want to put away all that would get in the way. 

But then I leave, and there is a text from one of the kids, and there is laundry to do, and there is a podcast that I haven't listened to, and we have to get the tax stuff together....blah, blah, blah.

 Life in our time is the chaos equivalent of Herod's palace in full party mode. There are SO MANY things that require our attention! 
They crush our resolve. 

It's too hard to change, it's too much, I am ok, it's not really so bad, I'll go shopping. 
When will we be in a place where we can easily follow through? Never, if we don't look to Christ.

Herod had John the Baptist pointing the way to Jesus. Jesus was right there, in Galilee, in the flesh.
We have the Church pointing the way to Jesus, He is right here, on our altars, in the flesh. 
He wants us to have peace. He wants us to know that we are forgiven and that He takes away all that disturbs us. He is the healer of anxiety and disorder. 
We have to go to Him everyday, we have to sit at His feet, and we have to choose to accept what He is offering. 
If we do that, our lives will never be the same.